Forgiveness

Nothing's gonna get any better
If you don't have a little hope,
If you don't have a little love,
In your soul
Nothing's gonna get any better
If you're drowning in your fear,
If you've got nothing but sorrow,
In your soul
And you'll have to forgive me brother,
And you'll have to forgive me sister
And I'll have to forgive you,
If we're ever gonna move on.
No one's gonna find any answers
If we're looking in the dark,
And you're looking for a reason,
To give up
No one's gonna find any answers
If we're just trying to hide,
From the things we know inside,
Are the truth
And you'll have to forgive me brother,
And you'll have to forgive me sister
And I'll have to forgive you,
If we're ever gonna move on.
And I can hear so much music
And I can feel everything now
And I can see so much clearer,
When I just, close my eyes

~ Girls

Thank You M. Bayne

The Buddha had learned how to turn the stream of compassion within. 

But how does one love themselves? 

How does one give oneself the benefit of the doubt?  

Its all a mirror, and how you treat yourself and how you treat other people is identical. The love and affection that you have for other people is only as much as you can afford for yourself.

And when it happens, it's indescribable, something so simple as accepting yourself, turning the stream of compassion within, yet it's such a powerful gift. And not to just myself but to all those now I come in contact with.

Feel the Bass

Skrillex bass made Lily's teeth dance!

Alex's word list - for the record

Words/Approximations:

Momma

Daddy

Sissy (Lily)

Dog

Bye

Truck

Tractor

School

Shoes

Cracker

Cheese

Bus

Fan

GG (Grandad)

Fish

Bubble

Pop

Outside

Banana

I do! (Who wants a snack?)

Alex 

Car

Poop
What does a bear say?  Roooaarrr!

Signs:

More

Please

Fish

Dog
Milk

 

The Long Walk

"I've put things in a better place, but it's never gone. It's like your shadow. Your shadow is always there if you look for it, but you don't always have to look at it. And really, what I was doing was staring at my shadow constantly and waiting for it to go away. And it, of course, it's never going to". ~ Brian Castner

3 year old language, Part 3

Me, to L. about using the F word: "I thought you were going to take that word out of your mouth"? L., "Eventually; like when I'm 16".

L, about the new fish, "the Geo's are comforting the babies".

L, about her brother crowding her space, "MOMMY, get him. He's disrupting me!!"

L, "MOMMY, I want to hear a song. Ok, what song? Ruby Tuesday". Sweeeet.

L, on Starbucks, "Look Mommy I have a venti half-caff!". Really, she had a tiny cup of whipped cream.

3 year old language, Part 2

L, on letters, "F is for the F-word".

Turning 1

"The angry birds guy poked me and took my blood. It really hurt. Did the angry boys guy ever poke you Mommy? No baby, the angry birds guy never poked Mommy because his job is to poke only children. Oh, Ok".

Our boy turned 1 last week. Overall it was positive and fun celebrating that milestone. Now I'm reflecting on just how little she was when she got her diagnosis. I think we made her seem larger, older and more worldly because of the nature of the illness. The reality is that she was just a tiny baby dealing on instinct alone. I wonder how that experience will shape her in the long term but in the moments being a baby made it simpler. She did not know any different...

We have to go back to the Onco-clinic this month and I don't want to. I want to forget that place exists. Then I don't want to forget because I want to be prepared if it comes back. Then I take a breath, know she's well but not perfect and this moment is ok.

25 Things Created 2/2/09

1. Music and exercise are my religion.
2. I love the idea of making art out of the mundane/every day life.
3. Threshold House Boys Choir is an artistic masterpiece.
4. Our daughter Lily Skye was born on 5/11/08 at our home (planned) with a midwife. I came up with the idea of having a homebirth after reading The Woman in the Body by Emily Martin and books by Michel Odent.
5. I still cannot put into words what it means to be a mother. The best analogy I can relate to is the mother bear and her cub. She’s cool until her baby is in danger…then its on.
6. I love NPR…I mean love!!
7. My husband is one of the smartest people I’ll ever meet.
8. I read…mostly nonfiction.
9. I’ve made some good friends in New Jersey all through the gym.
10. I am interested in Buddhism.
11. I’ve run 1 full marathon and 3 half marathons. I plan to do at least one more in Alaska.
12. I have a BA in cultural anthropology but wish I had a teaching degree.
13. I wish my family members (myself included) did not have so many problems communicating.
14. I love Anthony Bourdain (he’s so cheeky) but I hate to cook.
15. I’ve been pondering this quote from Into the Wild… “I am reborn. This is my dawn. Real life has just begun. Deliberate Living: Conscious attention to the basics of life, a constant attention to your immediate environment and its concerns, example à A job, a task, a book; anything requiring efficient concentration (Circumstance has no value. It is how one relates to a situation that has value. All true meaning resides in the personal relationship to a phenomenon, what it means to you)”.
16. I miss living in Milwaukee.
17. I love a competitive sporting event.
18. Since Amy does not want to be called Aunt Amy; Lily is going to call her pickleweasel.
19. I loathe Family Guy…but I did like the episode when they got New Brian.
20. I’ve been scuba diving in Belize and the Bahamas and plan to dive in as many places as I can.
21. The Flaming Lips will change your life…listen to the soft bulletin but give it a couple listens before you make up your mind.
22. Working with/for your family is good and bad but overall mostly good.
23. I want to do a triathlon…someday.
24. We have a German Shepherd named Gysin. He and Lily are buddies.
25. My tattoo took about 20 hours to complete and it is still not finished.

3 year old language

L, looking out the window, "Mommy why do we call them windows? Why don't we call them pizzas?"

L, looking at the wall in our hallway, "Mommy are there bones in these walls?"

L, on saying the fbomb, "Mommy, I will take that word out of my mouth!"

L, at school, discussing the letter B, "B is from Broman!"

L, listening to Grandma got run over by a reindeer, "Mommy, this is my JAM!!"

We're a Happy Family...me, mom and daddy

So I've been mildly obsessing over our little ones lately. Not so much over them but about the larger question, why did we have them in the first place? That feels pretty f'd up coming from a loving and pretty together Mom but I just don't have an altogether good answer to the question. Of course we had kids because we wanted to offer them a stable, loving family. We also wanted to raise a couple of awesome cherubs to shake things up but lately I need something bigger than that and I'm coming up blank.

I'm guessing that the lack of a "bigger purpose" for our family comes from the lacking family environment I came from. Parents having kids because that's what they were supposed to do. Add onto that no real religious convictions, the fact that its 2012 and the world is kinda scary even for me as an adult and that is not the best environment to introduce to our clean slates.

The Reason: I never wanted kids until I realized that I could take 1/2 of him and 1/2 of me and then make a pretty sweet little one. The ultimate toy!

Bullet Points: I had kids because:

I want to shape a mind into something other than the status quo.
They change and surprise me every day.
You can't fake it with kids; they know.
I want them to know what a loving family is like.
They are the ultimate expression of our love for one another and are the embodiment of love and life.