Feedback loop

Dear Amis:

I got your reply but have not found the time to post it on my blog. Maybe you will when you read this?!?

I looked at the tree you have been talking about in Wyoming. Aahhh, prairie wildflowers with the mountains as a backdrop - magnificent! I hope we get to visit this place together sometime; our gowns will be flowing in the breeze and L.'s little basket of flowers will cover the pathway. It's quite an image.

I've been thinking too much lately...nothing new really but I've found that if I really meditate on the thing that seems to be bothering me most I usually get to the root of my problem. This theory of life is a double edged sword...this psychological/intellectual journey makes me pretty unbearable to live with while its ongoing but once I've gotten through all the sludge to the core I really notice a transformation. I think this is the only way to live honestly with myself and others. I was listening to NPR the other day and they were talking about mindfulness meditation and focusing on ones breathing to keep centered. I've done this plenty during yoga but what he was saying just threw me for a loop! In his explanation, the purpose for the meditation was so the brain stays focused on the breath and all the little thoughts are ignored. I cannot ignore my thoughts and think it would be counterproductive. My thoughts about my environment and every day life are what make my day interesting. Here's my question...how can this idea of meditation enhance my search for truth in my daily life?

What do you think? Write soon.

Love,,, Janet

T.I.M.E. and M.U.S.I.C

Dear Amis:

Its been too long between letters and I'm sorry for not writing sooner. My voice feels strong these days but my body isnt. I'm stuck in this cycle of perpetual motion just moving in circles. Constant movement has its ups and downs. Time generally goes by superfast but once the movement slows there I am, still, looking at my calendar slowly turn. I don't wear a watch anymore. It is too tedious to look at the hands move about the face.

I'm listening to music a lot and my choices seem directly related to the weather outside. Sunny days are Jimmy Cliff, Lee Perry or maybe M.I.A. On wintery or stormy days I turn to Coil (of course) or other thinking music. There are many days that I just do not care to think about the choice of music so I listen to the 1,000 or so songs that I have on Itunes via shuffle. Its actually helped me to find some music that I forgot I had or to reconnect with songs I hadn't listened to in a while.

May seems to be a slow moving month. There are a lot of anniversaries happening this month, only one is particularly pleasant. After the year we have been through, I've decided that anniversaries and holidays are nothing...and everything. Explanation you ask?? Here goes - holidays mean nothing to sickness that require real treatment. It just makes you slightly more depressed when you think, oh its my birthday and I'm in the hospital getting my chemotherapy. Or reflection on anniversaries...comparisons to the year before, the passage of time and how you got to this moment. It is inevitable for time to be more valuable especially when it has occurred to you that the number of minutes, seconds or moments here are limited. As I've told you before this time thing has really sucked me in. I don't want time to move faster than I can handle but this month seems like its going slower than any and I wonder why? I cant help but take the most cynical view that I'm so looking forward to our little girl's birthday and 1 year anniversary of her clean bill of health that time is tricking me making it seem to be going slower. I guess the realization that its not time that is tricking me rather its my own mind is a good thing. I can remind myself to enjoy the hard days as well. Somehow...

I promise to write sooner next time. You are always so prompt with your replies. Do you mind if I post them so we can get a string going? I would love to see the running conversation.

Love,

Janet

For the record

Ugghhh…That was honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Probably even more difficult than letting L. go for her surgery last May; I guess because I knew she would be coming back. The vet was really nice and very supportive and actually was in tears as well. She told me before and again yesterday that letting him go in a dignified way is really the best thing we could do for him. They took him back and put the catheter in and then gave us some time to give him treats and say goodbye. He was down in about 5 seconds after she started the infusion. I held his head and told him to be a good boy – I always say that to him before we leave. We stayed for a few minutes but pretty quickly I started to feel weird because he was gone. Weird gut feeling after he was asleep was that we didn’t do the right thing but I was able to pull it together and remind myself why we were there.

We cleaned up his things, and the house. There was definite sadness but also true relief. No more poop in the house, no more blood from him licking his legs, no more dog hair etc. It also gave me a lot of comfort to see how happy he was the moments before he was put down. He was excited to go for a car ride, smelled around the vet’s office, ate a bag of treats and a Snickers bar and was with us as he died.

L. came home around 7 and noticed his things were out of place but had enough distractions so it wasn’t a big deal. This morning she asked for him; she kept saying puppy and poop :). I told her puppy had to go bye bye. We didn’t want him to but he had to last night. You could see the wheels turning and she gave me a little shrug of the shoulders but she is easily distracted. It went from puppy very quickly to kitty then BUBBLES!!

Flaming Lips + Me = Love

I've listened to The Soft Bulletin about a million times but yesterday I literally stopped what I was doing to re-listen to this song.

It goes:

What is the light
That you have
Shining all around you?
Is it chemically derived?

Cause if it’s natural
Something glowing from inside
Shining all around you
It’s potential has arrived

Looking into space, it surrounds you
Love is the place that you’re drawn to
Looking into space, it surrounds you
Love is the face that you’re drawn to

What is the light
That you have
Shining all around you?
Is it chemically derived?

I immediately thought of L.; her light and potential have most definitely arrived. I began cataloging my experiences, moments of time and life really in terms of Flaming Lips songs. God Walks Among Us Now was listened to on repeat that night with him. When I was pregnant I sang Rainin' Babies for 9 months and it was the first song our little girl heard. Felt Good to Burn has the most subtle poignant lyric, "I wasnt waving goodbye, I was saying hello". The first time I heard it I cried and did not know why. The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song, is unfortunately on a Kraft salad dressing ad but the song still moves me and I've listened to it 100 times or more. Wayne says, "With all your power, what would you do"? The Flaming Lips have changed my mental make up. Wayne, Steven, Michael and Kliph...