Thursday, November 14, 2013
What is suffering? When you desire something so much your heart hurts.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Cutting Corn on 9/14/13
L. and A. were playing in the kitchen; L. was cutting corn husks with scissors. A. was pretending to make smoothies and hot sauce with the blender. A. says to L., "Why are you cutting corn"? L. replies, "I don't know if I can answer that".
The end.
The end.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Shoes For Running
You're running from your life that you didn't see
That's like playing hide and seek with the Grim Reaper ~ Big Boi
That's like playing hide and seek with the Grim Reaper ~ Big Boi
Monday, August 12, 2013
By Katie Hurley via the Huffington Post
Posted here mostly just for a reference...
When it comes to kids, people just don't think about happiness enough these days. They think about success. They think in comparisons. They think about milestones, graduations and shiny trophies. (The ones they earned, of course. Because, you know, not everyone deserves a trophy these days).
They think about things like redshirting a potential Kindergartener -- not so that he will be happy, but so that he will have an advantage on the playing field or in the classroom.
They think about how many soccer teams a 9-year-old should play on at any given time to increase her odds of getting a full ride to some top-rated college at some point in the future.
They think about the obstacles that make parenting such an exhausting job. Yes, they think a lot about those.
But they don't spend a lot of time thinking about what makes kids happy.
Once upon a time, childhood was filled with endless days spent outside and very little TV. Imaginations ran wild and kids made their own fun with nothing but a few Matchbox cars and an old cardboard box. They played, they learned, and they socialized. But most of all, they had fun.
Life is far too scripted today. Plans are made. Classes are attended. Craft projects are intended to mimic those found on Pinterest. Gone are the days of free play and creating something out of nothing. Many kids today are simply following a script.
That's not to say that kids aren't happy, because many kids are. Many kids live a life full of adventure and wonder in their own backyards. But many don't. Many simply follow the plan. And that's a shame, because childhood should be all about happiness.
How can we focus on happiness when there is always so much to do? We can start by taking a breath (don't worry, that enormous pile of laundry will wait for you), and then we can take a few cues from happy kids.
7 Secrets of Highly Happy Kids:
1. They eat on time.
I know what you're thinking; that's too simple to be a real parenting strategy. Think again. Have you ever been so hungry that you just wanted to scream? That's how kids feel when they miss a snack or have to wait two hours past their normal mealtime to participate in some super-fancy family dinner.
Eating at regular intervals refuels their growing brains and bodies and keeps hunger under control. When kids are calm and satisfied, they experience greater happiness.
2. They get consistent sleep.
I know, I know, some kids are better sleepers than others. While that's certainly the truth, it isn't an excuse for poor sleep habits. Kids need to learn how to sleep. It's up to us to teach them. When they are completely exhausted, they are cranky. When they are well-rested and ready to embrace the day, they are happier. Make sleep (and a consistent bedtime) a priority.
3. They play without instructions.
Unstructured playtime appears to be a lost art these days. It used to be that kids made their own fun. Today, kids are over-scheduled, dialed in and in awe of toys that essentially do the playing for them. Sure, those garbage trucks with all of the bells and whistles are neat, but be sure to mix in some wooden trucks and building blocks. And, please, take a look at the busy schedule and find some time where your kids can just play each day. Play is good for the soul.
4. They are allowed to express emotions.
Kids yell when they're mad. They cry when they're sad. They might even stomp their feet and run around in circles when they're not sure what to feel. And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they do all of that in the middle of aisle 9 at your friendly neighborhood Target store. Let them. Kids need to express their emotions. While adults know to call a friend to vent when the going gets tough, kids are a bit more primitive. Shushing them and publicly shaming them doesn't help. Let them vent in their own little way and then offer to help. Enduring a public temper tantrum might feel overwhelming in the moment, but it's better than a lifetime of internalizing negative emotions that could lead to eating issues, depression or other emotional problems for your child.
5. They get to make choices.
Kids have very little control over their lives. They are constantly being told where to go, what to do and what to eat. A little bit of control goes a long way toward feeling happy. Let your kids choose their outfits. Allow them to choose the dinner menu one night per week. Ask them what classes they want to take. Give them the opportunity to make some decisions and watch them smile in return.
6. They feel heard.
Kids are intuitive. Even toddlers can tell when parents are tuning them out or answering on autopilot. When kids feel like their parents truly listen to them (about everything from Lightning McQueen's best race to what they learned in school), they feel more connected. This increases their self-confidence and increases their overall happiness. Listen when your children speak. It's the best way to build an open and honest relationship with your child and it makes your child happy.
Are you still with me? Because this last one is important.
7. They experience unconditional love.
Kids mess up. You tell them not to jump off the couch over and over again, but they do it anyway. And then they cry. Because childhood is largely based on trial and error, and sometimes kids just need to take chances. Forgive them. Love them anyway.
When kids know that their parents love and support them no matter what, they are more likely to take healthy risks. They are confident and secure in their decisions. They learn that sometimes people make mistakes, but there is always a chance to right a wrong.
When children know that their parents will always be there for them, for better or for worse, they are happy.
When it comes to kids, people just don't think about happiness enough these days. They think about success. They think in comparisons. They think about milestones, graduations and shiny trophies. (The ones they earned, of course. Because, you know, not everyone deserves a trophy these days).
They think about things like redshirting a potential Kindergartener -- not so that he will be happy, but so that he will have an advantage on the playing field or in the classroom.
They think about how many soccer teams a 9-year-old should play on at any given time to increase her odds of getting a full ride to some top-rated college at some point in the future.
They think about the obstacles that make parenting such an exhausting job. Yes, they think a lot about those.
But they don't spend a lot of time thinking about what makes kids happy.
Once upon a time, childhood was filled with endless days spent outside and very little TV. Imaginations ran wild and kids made their own fun with nothing but a few Matchbox cars and an old cardboard box. They played, they learned, and they socialized. But most of all, they had fun.
Life is far too scripted today. Plans are made. Classes are attended. Craft projects are intended to mimic those found on Pinterest. Gone are the days of free play and creating something out of nothing. Many kids today are simply following a script.
That's not to say that kids aren't happy, because many kids are. Many kids live a life full of adventure and wonder in their own backyards. But many don't. Many simply follow the plan. And that's a shame, because childhood should be all about happiness.
How can we focus on happiness when there is always so much to do? We can start by taking a breath (don't worry, that enormous pile of laundry will wait for you), and then we can take a few cues from happy kids.
7 Secrets of Highly Happy Kids:
1. They eat on time.
I know what you're thinking; that's too simple to be a real parenting strategy. Think again. Have you ever been so hungry that you just wanted to scream? That's how kids feel when they miss a snack or have to wait two hours past their normal mealtime to participate in some super-fancy family dinner.
Eating at regular intervals refuels their growing brains and bodies and keeps hunger under control. When kids are calm and satisfied, they experience greater happiness.
2. They get consistent sleep.
I know, I know, some kids are better sleepers than others. While that's certainly the truth, it isn't an excuse for poor sleep habits. Kids need to learn how to sleep. It's up to us to teach them. When they are completely exhausted, they are cranky. When they are well-rested and ready to embrace the day, they are happier. Make sleep (and a consistent bedtime) a priority.
3. They play without instructions.
Unstructured playtime appears to be a lost art these days. It used to be that kids made their own fun. Today, kids are over-scheduled, dialed in and in awe of toys that essentially do the playing for them. Sure, those garbage trucks with all of the bells and whistles are neat, but be sure to mix in some wooden trucks and building blocks. And, please, take a look at the busy schedule and find some time where your kids can just play each day. Play is good for the soul.
4. They are allowed to express emotions.
Kids yell when they're mad. They cry when they're sad. They might even stomp their feet and run around in circles when they're not sure what to feel. And sometimes, if you're really lucky, they do all of that in the middle of aisle 9 at your friendly neighborhood Target store. Let them. Kids need to express their emotions. While adults know to call a friend to vent when the going gets tough, kids are a bit more primitive. Shushing them and publicly shaming them doesn't help. Let them vent in their own little way and then offer to help. Enduring a public temper tantrum might feel overwhelming in the moment, but it's better than a lifetime of internalizing negative emotions that could lead to eating issues, depression or other emotional problems for your child.
5. They get to make choices.
Kids have very little control over their lives. They are constantly being told where to go, what to do and what to eat. A little bit of control goes a long way toward feeling happy. Let your kids choose their outfits. Allow them to choose the dinner menu one night per week. Ask them what classes they want to take. Give them the opportunity to make some decisions and watch them smile in return.
6. They feel heard.
Kids are intuitive. Even toddlers can tell when parents are tuning them out or answering on autopilot. When kids feel like their parents truly listen to them (about everything from Lightning McQueen's best race to what they learned in school), they feel more connected. This increases their self-confidence and increases their overall happiness. Listen when your children speak. It's the best way to build an open and honest relationship with your child and it makes your child happy.
Are you still with me? Because this last one is important.
7. They experience unconditional love.
Kids mess up. You tell them not to jump off the couch over and over again, but they do it anyway. And then they cry. Because childhood is largely based on trial and error, and sometimes kids just need to take chances. Forgive them. Love them anyway.
When kids know that their parents love and support them no matter what, they are more likely to take healthy risks. They are confident and secure in their decisions. They learn that sometimes people make mistakes, but there is always a chance to right a wrong.
When children know that their parents will always be there for them, for better or for worse, they are happy.
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Fun with Myers-Briggs
My Type is: ENFJ - The Giver
ENFJ Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals.
ENFJs do not like dealing with impersonal reasoning. They don't understand or appreciate its merit, and will be unhappy in situations where they're forced to deal with logic and facts without any connection to a human element.
It is not usually easy to be the child of an ENFJ. The ENFJ's life focus is centered in the sphere of relationships. They take their relationship roles very seriously. They are very "hands-on" in relationships, always monitoring it's progress. This behavior may be smothering to some individuals. ENFJs have very definite value systems, and well-defined ideas about what is right and what is wrong. Since they believe that part of their parental role involves passing their values and ideas to their children, and since they are so concerned and involved with their children, the ENFJ has a tendency to be a strict, controlling parent, who is very aware of their children's actions. The ENFJ needs to remember to allow their children the room for growth which is necessary if they are to evolve into healthy, well-adjusted adults. With a bit of effort, it will be possible for the ENFJ to balance their need to pass their values and ideals down to their children with their children's need to develop as individuals. (**Ouch**)
His type is: INTP - The Thinker
If the INTP doesn't realize the value of attending to other people's feelings, he or she may become overly critical and sarcastic with others.
The INTP parents are likely to be pretty laid-back and flexible with their children, sometimes to the point of being relatively "hands-off" with regards to the day-to-day issues. They're likely to count on their spouse for providing structure and schedules. (**So, he's laid back, hands off fun Dad and I'm dealing with the day-to-day issues and I'm smothering? Its cool...I'm okay with that...)
Friday, July 19, 2013
Bad as Me
We were listening to Tom Waits in the car. Lily said she liked the way he signs and wanted to know if he talks to his Mommy with that voice!
CTFD by David Vienna
It's called CTFD, which stands for "Calm The F*ck Down." And that's not a
message to give your kids. It's for you.
Using CTFD assures you that -- whichever way you choose to parent -- your child will be fine (as long as you don't abuse them, of course). To see it in action, here are some sample parenting scenarios and how CTFD can be employed:
Yes, using the CTFD method, you'll find the pressure lifted and realize your child loves you no matter what, even if they've yet to master the alphabet. You'll also learn that whether or not you're the best parent in the world, as long as you love your child, they'll think you are and that's what matters. Plus, CTFD makes you immune to those that prey upon the fears of new parents, like pseudoscientists and parenting authors.
To use CTFD, just follow these simple steps:
Using CTFD assures you that -- whichever way you choose to parent -- your child will be fine (as long as you don't abuse them, of course). To see it in action, here are some sample parenting scenarios and how CTFD can be employed:
- Worried your friend's child has mastered the alphabet quicker than your child? Calm the f*ck down.
- Scared you're not imparting the wisdom your child will need to survive in school and beyond? Calm the f*ck down.
- Concerned that you're not the type of parent you thought you'd be? Calm the f*ck down.
- Upset that your child doesn't show interest in certain areas of learning? Calm the f*ck down.
- Stressed that your child exhibits behavior in public you find embarrassing? Calm the f*ck down.
Yes, using the CTFD method, you'll find the pressure lifted and realize your child loves you no matter what, even if they've yet to master the alphabet. You'll also learn that whether or not you're the best parent in the world, as long as you love your child, they'll think you are and that's what matters. Plus, CTFD makes you immune to those that prey upon the fears of new parents, like pseudoscientists and parenting authors.
To use CTFD, just follow these simple steps:
- Calm the f*ck down.
- There is no second step.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Hell Broke Luce
I could really use a sympathetic ear today.
Here's what I'm looking for:
Here's what I'm looking for:
A parent whose child was given a deadly diagnosis, said child survived and is now telling their own story.
Yesterday she told her Granddad that she got a shot at the doctor
because she missed them when she was a baby because she had Cancer.
Yesterday she told her Granddad that she got a shot at the doctor
because she missed them when she was a baby because she had Cancer.
Its novel.
Its powerful.
Its just completely overwhelming to think about how we move on from this experience...Cancer episode...Moment in time.
So is there a sympathetic ear out there that has gone through this?
Someone who's worst fear actually happened?
My ultimate fear now is of that thing coming back and seeing the pain that might cause.
Taking that a step further -
Losing her.
Its been 3 years since she has had any medicine or treatment.
Its gone.
The Cancer has been eradicated. Why can't I forget it?
I want to. Then I don't.
Because I know this evil that circles around I can't let it go.
I want to. Then I don't.
Because I know this evil that circles around I can't let it go.
If I do, it might come back.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Descriptive
Aaaahhhh...there she is sitting half folded over
playing with her tin tea set.
The purple, blue and green paint is peeling and
I'm a little teapot plays in the background.
Blondy locks fall over her pale white shoulders.
Black skinny jeans cover her white polka-dot socks.
Most striking is her chubby little two year old fingers.
She still has those pudgy baby wrist too.
The tan carpet and background contrast with her
pink flowered shirt.
Posed, playing, turning 3.
A moment in time,
captured by a tuned in photographic eye.
Pudgy fingers, skinny jeans and the little teapot.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
We've come a long way baby
I realized today, every time I leave them at school I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Monday, February 11, 2013
By Kim Bongiorno
I was sitting on a toilet, feeling surprised and kind of insulted, when I realized I had an opportunity before me like no other.
It began with the need to pee: first my 5-year-old daughter, then me.
As I was sitting on the toilet and she was washing her hands, still without pants, she declared, "Mama, you have fat legs! Not like mine -- look at mine."
She then ran her hand along her twiggy little leg, like Vanna White on some cruel version of Wheel of Fortune.
I looked down at my lumpy pale thighs in comparison, squashed against the porcelain throne's seat like bread dough that refused to rise.
In a flash I was back in the kitchen of the house I grew up in, talking to my own mom.
My mother said some disgusted comment or another about what I was eating, and how one day I'd know what it was like to have hips like hers.
I was befuddled. Already well into my teen years, my hip bones simply protruded from my body at sharp angles, then smoothly dipped towards a flat stomach. I poked at my hips, feeling nothing but skin and bone.
"I don't get it -- how can bones get fat on them?" I was genuinely curious. I looked to her for an answer.
My mom got all flustered and her voice shook. "You wait and see." Then she ran from the kitchen, locking herself in her bedroom.
That scene was twenty years ago, before I truly understood how much my mom hated how her hips looked.
If I had been a more sensitive girl back then, her reaction to my thinness and her desire to be thinner could have made me fear weight gain. Made me think it was normal to be disgusted by my own changing body. Made me believe in one ideal physique, which was not genetically in the cards for me.
I refused to let this conversation end as badly as that one could have.
I took my eyes off my blubbery thigh and looked at my daughter.
"Good job, you're right! There is more fat on my legs than yours. When you become a grown-up, you get all sorts of beautiful curves like this. Isn't that exciting?"
She looked at her little legs, then mine, then back to hers. Then she smiled. "I'm gonna look like you when I'm a growned-up?"
"Yep. And I looked like you when I was 5. It's kind of fun getting to look different when you get older, dontcha think?"
She started hopping excitedly, and replied "Yeah! And I get bigger and older every day, Mama!"
With a smile on her face, she dashed out of the bathroom feeling confident in her current skinny legs, and looking forward to what the meat of Motherhood will do to her hips twenty years from now, leaving her pants and a hopeful mom in her wake.
This article was originally posted as "Her Future Fat Thighs" on InThePowderRoom.com.
It began with the need to pee: first my 5-year-old daughter, then me.
As I was sitting on the toilet and she was washing her hands, still without pants, she declared, "Mama, you have fat legs! Not like mine -- look at mine."
She then ran her hand along her twiggy little leg, like Vanna White on some cruel version of Wheel of Fortune.
I looked down at my lumpy pale thighs in comparison, squashed against the porcelain throne's seat like bread dough that refused to rise.
In a flash I was back in the kitchen of the house I grew up in, talking to my own mom.
My mother said some disgusted comment or another about what I was eating, and how one day I'd know what it was like to have hips like hers.
I was befuddled. Already well into my teen years, my hip bones simply protruded from my body at sharp angles, then smoothly dipped towards a flat stomach. I poked at my hips, feeling nothing but skin and bone.
"I don't get it -- how can bones get fat on them?" I was genuinely curious. I looked to her for an answer.
My mom got all flustered and her voice shook. "You wait and see." Then she ran from the kitchen, locking herself in her bedroom.
That scene was twenty years ago, before I truly understood how much my mom hated how her hips looked.
If I had been a more sensitive girl back then, her reaction to my thinness and her desire to be thinner could have made me fear weight gain. Made me think it was normal to be disgusted by my own changing body. Made me believe in one ideal physique, which was not genetically in the cards for me.
I refused to let this conversation end as badly as that one could have.
I took my eyes off my blubbery thigh and looked at my daughter.
"Good job, you're right! There is more fat on my legs than yours. When you become a grown-up, you get all sorts of beautiful curves like this. Isn't that exciting?"
She looked at her little legs, then mine, then back to hers. Then she smiled. "I'm gonna look like you when I'm a growned-up?"
"Yep. And I looked like you when I was 5. It's kind of fun getting to look different when you get older, dontcha think?"
She started hopping excitedly, and replied "Yeah! And I get bigger and older every day, Mama!"
With a smile on her face, she dashed out of the bathroom feeling confident in her current skinny legs, and looking forward to what the meat of Motherhood will do to her hips twenty years from now, leaving her pants and a hopeful mom in her wake.
This article was originally posted as "Her Future Fat Thighs" on InThePowderRoom.com.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Connections
How is it possible that so many things can be so clear while those close to me are a crazy mixed up jumble? I get the large-scale-out-there picture and point of view but my microworld just feels a mess. Its all people too; relationships, and connections. That's obvious...what else would I be relating and connecting (or not) with?
Getting to the heart of it...She's 4. I know her. I love her. I was her. But I don't get her. We're a tangled mess of love, hate, trust, distrust, laughter, fear, and silliness. I am so afraid of messing up that I am frozen sometimes. I hate the idea of repeating my parents mistakes and then I realize that maybe they didn't make mistakes they are just people. That makes it worse. If they are people and I am people then I can make the same stupid mistakes just like they did. I know how I felt as a little girl, I would cry so easily. It wasnt for attention it was because that tangled mess would drown out all the words and tears were the result. My people never understood this behavior. All I needed was for my people to pick me up and say we're here with you. Its hard to respond perfectly to each and every meltdown.
Yesterday she was telling me that she wanted to wear a diaper again. She also does all kinds of wonderful, kind, hopeful stuff that counteracts the emotional, difficult things and then I'm that tangled little girl again. Its up. Its down. Its complicated and there's a big little boy in the picture as well. She sees him get some love and she wants it...all...immediately.
Getting to the heart of it...She's 4. I know her. I love her. I was her. But I don't get her. We're a tangled mess of love, hate, trust, distrust, laughter, fear, and silliness. I am so afraid of messing up that I am frozen sometimes. I hate the idea of repeating my parents mistakes and then I realize that maybe they didn't make mistakes they are just people. That makes it worse. If they are people and I am people then I can make the same stupid mistakes just like they did. I know how I felt as a little girl, I would cry so easily. It wasnt for attention it was because that tangled mess would drown out all the words and tears were the result. My people never understood this behavior. All I needed was for my people to pick me up and say we're here with you. Its hard to respond perfectly to each and every meltdown.
Yesterday she was telling me that she wanted to wear a diaper again. She also does all kinds of wonderful, kind, hopeful stuff that counteracts the emotional, difficult things and then I'm that tangled little girl again. Its up. Its down. Its complicated and there's a big little boy in the picture as well. She sees him get some love and she wants it...all...immediately.
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