Connections

How is it possible that so many things can be so clear while those close to me are a crazy mixed up jumble?  I get the large-scale-out-there picture and point of view but my microworld just feels a mess.  Its all people too; relationships, and connections.  That's obvious...what else would I be relating and connecting (or not) with?  

Getting to the heart of it...She's 4.  I know her.  I love her.  I was her.  But I don't get her.  We're a tangled mess of love, hate, trust, distrust, laughter, fear, and silliness.  I am so afraid of messing up that I am frozen sometimes.  I hate the idea of repeating my parents mistakes and then I realize that maybe they didn't make mistakes they are just people.  That makes it worse.  If they are people and I am people then I can make the same stupid mistakes just like they did.  I know how I felt as a little girl, I would cry so easily.  It wasnt for attention it was because that tangled mess would drown out all the words and tears were the result.  My people never understood this behavior.  All I needed was for my people to pick me up and say we're here with you.  Its hard to respond perfectly to each and every meltdown.   

Yesterday she was telling me that she wanted to wear a diaper again.  She also does all kinds of wonderful, kind, hopeful stuff that counteracts the emotional, difficult things and then I'm that tangled little girl again.  Its up. Its down.  Its complicated and there's a big little boy in the picture as well.  She sees him get some love and she wants it...all...immediately.