For the Record

Today L. "graduated" from her swim class and we got to observe her last lesson. In 6 weeks she went from being pretty terrified and crying throughout to smiling and doing the drills and lessons. Today she swam up and down the pool with only a float for assistance. She was still hesitant about jumping in on her own but with a little coaxing she did it.

I'm really overwhelmed and so proud of her. Looking forward to seeing her do laps and diving in soon!!

Forming the answer

It seemed like a reasonable/benign question right? What are the pro's and con's of having 2 kids. I was sitting on the floor changing a wet diaper with #2 when he asked. The conversation was happening at the table amongst the three of them. It just hovered in the air...above the stinky diaper. My mind was blank. I think it does that when there are too many possible answers to a question. The replies get twisted and knotted up and then its just blank. Luckily the conversation quickly shifted; there is never a lack of interesting conversation when we are around them. The cacophony of adults, toddlers, a baby and an attack cat continued until the toddlers were ready for pj's. The baby was already snoozing. The cat was back from his time out in the basement and he was looking to fight. I gathered up our things, kissed them on the cheek and said good night. It was dark already and I had pulled the car into their rocky driveway. She talked my ear off all the way home and I answered her only half listening. I was focused on the question and why I didn't have an answer. Only in the quiet drive home did the blankity-blankness clear away and the answer formed.

I care about these people. I know whats at stake answering that question and it was too much. They might not know it but I know the fear they are facing. We've never spoken about it, usually the conversation is more about time management or the mechanics of having kids but this question revealed the root. That pressure to create and want something so badly to be so perfect is overwhelming and then devastating when it goes awry. To try and redo that and face that fear again is ... Blank ... heartbeat ... I get it.

numbers and other gobbledegook

When I was in college working on my degree in Anthropology I would have never expected my career to require me to write sentences like this when preparing for a meeting:

"It has been difficult to establish norms or a broad market analysis because the number of claims received is limited."

Oh well...

To the Bride and Groom

...I’d like to first start with a little family history. Our mother strongly believed in the birth order book and theories behind it.

We are three sisters and that uneven, crazy number is reflected in our relationships with one another. Add into this equation that we are all close in age, lived in close quarters, and were in competitive sports – the stage was set for some serious sibling rivalry.

As sisters, we were generally broken up into teams – pairs I guess and I was generally the extra player. I’d be on Beth’s team for a while so Amy was the adversary. Then, depending on the reward, I’d switch to Amy’s side and Beth would be a sister down. Regardless of whose team was winning or what pair I made up, we were a tight group. Whether it was at swim meets or at the Foundation we were known as the Tighe sisters. Amy and I were always together but as we got older, there were those rare occasions when we were a solid 3. Being a part of this sister group was rife with expectations, fights, then jokes, followed by more fights, and back to pairs, then teams and 3’s.

When I went to college our group of 3 was spread out but regardless of our location I knew Amy was around and that we could pick up right where we left off. It’s always been like that with us. When I hear my own voice mulling over the big questions Amy is my audience. One day, when Lily was weighing on my mind, I just could not stop the tears and I called Amy. She is my sounding board. It did not necessarily matter how the conversation went she was there and I was not alone. We have such a deep, ingrained history. Amy is one person that helps with the big questions. I love and thank you for that.

Jerry: I don’t know you as well as I’d like, but I love the person before me. I love how happy you make Amy; I love the person that Amy is with you and I love and appreciate how well you take care of each other.

Amy and Jerry: Seeing you together makes we want to be a better wife and partner. Marriage is a disposable thing to too many people. You two seem to have found your way and have created a world in which you can thrive. I cannot wait to see the life you make together! Congratulations!

5:40 AM Bonding with the boy - listening to some Sabbath!

For the Record

On August 23rd there was an earthquake in New Jersey and on August 28th we were hit by a hurricane. The earthquake came while I was at work in an overly-emotional, and sleep deprived state. This left me feeling slightly hung over (note: no drugs or alcohol were actually taken) and noticed my chair and office shaking. My initial reaction was to make sense of this phenomenon - a truck driving by, someone walking on the roof or someone banging on the delivery door. Nope...no rational explanation other than what it actually was...an earthquake.

The hurricane came through on Sunday following plenty of rain on Saturday. L. was very excited for the hurricane to come. While looking out the window at the rain she asked, "When is the hurricane coming?" I told her in a little while. Pause...more rain watching... then, "who is driving the hurricane?". Hmmmm, "Mother Nature is driving the hurricane." Pause...more digesting of information. "When will Mother Nature be at my house?" Reply, "Mother Nature is all around you". L's interpretation of this, "She must be at someone else's house. When will the hurricane be at my house?" And this conversation continued for 12 more hours. Luckily the hurricane has passed.

We did something spontaneous together on Sunday. Driving by the park L. asked to stop; we both looked at each other and turned around. It was windy, rainy and no one was there but us. Felt right.

Conversation

L: I want to hear my jam.
M: What is your jam?
L: Foxy Lady by Jimmy.
M: Sweet.

Writing about Writing

Dear Amis:

So my dear... I've been around. Life is busy but I just do not have the time or inclination to write. Today I'm going to write about writing and then one day I'll actually do some writing...

L's health is progressing so well that she had her final procedure in March. We hated to have to do it but it signifies an end...we hope. This menace can return anytime and no one knows when or if it will. It keeps us on our toes but the more we deal with it the better we are at relaxing while in our guarded state. I expected to be able to breathe easier, feel some real elation and be able to relax after this thing was done but I truly felt nothing. Not nothing in its total sense because we were overjoyed to see her after the procedure but no relief. No true exhale and calm. It was just over and I felt the same. Subsequent letters will delve here...why?

We had our amazing little boy A. in January. He is an Angel...so calm, reassured, happy, and easily entertained. I can already tell that his view of life is much less complicated than L's. This second child really is different; less attention is paid to the little details not because we don't care just because we have a level of understanding that we did not have before. I am wrought with anxiety about him getting the short end because of L's illness and that he will somehow get less love and attention. I try not to overthink it then I wonder if I'm underthinking it and then I'm under and overthinking it at the same time. Again no exhale or calm just the same...why?

Your big day in September is fast approaching. We are excited and can't wait for the day. I told you before that you should use this song...have you considered it??

Distance makes the cancer shrink

Its very strange going back to CHOP after being away for a longer period of time! The traffic to get there, the parking, the not so happy check in people, the waiting etc. It is difficult and when we were going every week or couple weeks it didn't seem that bad. Everything is relative and at that time we were so happy to know that our baby was going to survive that traffic, waiting, and grumpy people did not even occur to us! Now that we have the luxury of looking back I truly realize the mountain we have overcome...humble thanks...joy...love...

Play List

L's playlist:

Egg Man - Beastie Boys
Foxy Lady - Jimmy Hendrix
Hot Hot Hot - The Cure
Where is Thumbkin/Natey's Song - ??

Not bad for a 2 going on 3 year old!

Out...Get out!

Dearest Baby Boy:

Up to a couple weeks ago even, I was happy with you on the inside. Although it can be uncomfortable having a baby on the inside for 9 months, it does have its advantages. I noticed I hate winter much less this year and the 30, ahem 40 extra pounds I've gained has been keeping me warm. And my small aches and discomforts have overshadowed the three snowstorms and freezing temperatures we have had. In addition L. is already in love with you. She is so looking forward to kissing you, holding you, singing to you and most importantly helping to change your diaper. We've discussed that the midwife will be coming to the house when you are ready to be born and L. understands that I will be "busy" having baby brother.

Most of the anxiety has passed about how we are going to manage two children, work and life in general. I just want to meet you! Hold you and snuggle with you as I did when L. was a tiny baby. So...Get Out!! Today's the due date. Time to see the world and show us what you've got.

Love,

Mom