Forming the answer

It seemed like a reasonable/benign question right? What are the pro's and con's of having 2 kids. I was sitting on the floor changing a wet diaper with #2 when he asked. The conversation was happening at the table amongst the three of them. It just hovered in the air...above the stinky diaper. My mind was blank. I think it does that when there are too many possible answers to a question. The replies get twisted and knotted up and then its just blank. Luckily the conversation quickly shifted; there is never a lack of interesting conversation when we are around them. The cacophony of adults, toddlers, a baby and an attack cat continued until the toddlers were ready for pj's. The baby was already snoozing. The cat was back from his time out in the basement and he was looking to fight. I gathered up our things, kissed them on the cheek and said good night. It was dark already and I had pulled the car into their rocky driveway. She talked my ear off all the way home and I answered her only half listening. I was focused on the question and why I didn't have an answer. Only in the quiet drive home did the blankity-blankness clear away and the answer formed.

I care about these people. I know whats at stake answering that question and it was too much. They might not know it but I know the fear they are facing. We've never spoken about it, usually the conversation is more about time management or the mechanics of having kids but this question revealed the root. That pressure to create and want something so badly to be so perfect is overwhelming and then devastating when it goes awry. To try and redo that and face that fear again is ... Blank ... heartbeat ... I get it.