T.I.M.E. and M.U.S.I.C

Dear Amis:

Its been too long between letters and I'm sorry for not writing sooner. My voice feels strong these days but my body isnt. I'm stuck in this cycle of perpetual motion just moving in circles. Constant movement has its ups and downs. Time generally goes by superfast but once the movement slows there I am, still, looking at my calendar slowly turn. I don't wear a watch anymore. It is too tedious to look at the hands move about the face.

I'm listening to music a lot and my choices seem directly related to the weather outside. Sunny days are Jimmy Cliff, Lee Perry or maybe M.I.A. On wintery or stormy days I turn to Coil (of course) or other thinking music. There are many days that I just do not care to think about the choice of music so I listen to the 1,000 or so songs that I have on Itunes via shuffle. Its actually helped me to find some music that I forgot I had or to reconnect with songs I hadn't listened to in a while.

May seems to be a slow moving month. There are a lot of anniversaries happening this month, only one is particularly pleasant. After the year we have been through, I've decided that anniversaries and holidays are nothing...and everything. Explanation you ask?? Here goes - holidays mean nothing to sickness that require real treatment. It just makes you slightly more depressed when you think, oh its my birthday and I'm in the hospital getting my chemotherapy. Or reflection on anniversaries...comparisons to the year before, the passage of time and how you got to this moment. It is inevitable for time to be more valuable especially when it has occurred to you that the number of minutes, seconds or moments here are limited. As I've told you before this time thing has really sucked me in. I don't want time to move faster than I can handle but this month seems like its going slower than any and I wonder why? I cant help but take the most cynical view that I'm so looking forward to our little girl's birthday and 1 year anniversary of her clean bill of health that time is tricking me making it seem to be going slower. I guess the realization that its not time that is tricking me rather its my own mind is a good thing. I can remind myself to enjoy the hard days as well. Somehow...

I promise to write sooner next time. You are always so prompt with your replies. Do you mind if I post them so we can get a string going? I would love to see the running conversation.

Love,

Janet